I was flying home from a trip to Austin, TX to attend an old friend's wedding several months ago, and ended up chatting with the guy who was sitting next to me on the plane. After the usual introductory chitchat--where are you from, why were you in Austin, etc.--we started talking about our respective jobs.
We were having a pretty decent conversation...that is, until I mentioned that I was faculty at Wonderland U. and had a PhD. There was an uncomfortable pause, and then he said awkwardly, "You have a PhD? Wow...I don't know why someone like you would even want to talk to someone like me."
He wasn't joking.
Now, I realize I don't get out of the lab much. And my department is so chock-full of MD/PhDs that I spend a good deal of my time explaining, "No, no...I'm just a PhD." But this seemed like a really bizarre reaction to me. I mean, we were getting along just fine before he knew I had a PhD, so it wasn't that I had been acting like an arrogant, elitist jerk all along, right?
Are those three little letters really so intimidating? Because my feeling is that getting my PhD had more to do with perserverance and determination than my immeasurable genius. Has this happened to any of you?
As an aside, this wasn't the first time I'd been told I was "too smart" to hang out with. A guy on whom I had a crush in high school told me at the end of our senior year that he had considered asking me out, but decided I was too smart for him.
And yeah, I'm still a bit pissed off about that!
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14 hours ago
22 comments:
Oddly, this has happened to me also. And I am still a lowly grad student! But I think I'd rather be "too smart to talk to" than asked "Why? You couldn't find a rich enough guy to marry?" (true airplane story...)
LOL, come on, MH, are you going to tell me that you have never realized that men are intimidated by smart women ? Especially in a relationship, a man has to live with the illusion that she depends on him, that he is absolutely crucial. The moment he realizes that she does not really need him, well, that's when ego goes into pieces... just between the two of us, eh ?
ScienceGirl--Okay, your comment wins! You know, there ought to be a meme that makes each person share five bizarre airplane stories, or something like that....
Massimo--That explains the guy from high school, but with the guy on the plane, we had already talked about our respective spouses and he'd shown me pictures of his little kids. So...he was thinking that I would depend on him to show me how to use the life vest in case of an emergency, but knowing that I had a PhD made him realize I could probably put on a life vest by myself and therefore he couldn't talk to me anymore? Seems a bit farfetched, doesn't it?
I've never had this kind of thing happen.
BTW, PhysioWife is a fucktillion times smarter and more accomplished than I am.
I've heard similar when people later find out that I have a law degree. "You're a lawyer...but you are so nice and easy to talk to!"
It's all about perception.
Seems a bit farfetched, doesn't it?
Well, maybe you give men too much credit :-)
Anyway, look, I am (mostly) kidding and I am no psychologist but I think I have observed something along those lines. I bet you whatever you want that if you had been a man the conversation would have continued without a hitch...
I used to hide the PhD fact from the "normal" people, because of their immediate judgements of inferiority to someone they perceive as smarter (and rejection of any possible equality between us). When these people get to know you better and like you, the time comes to let them know then, and let them challenge the assumptions they make themselves (assuming that the impression of you on them was different to whatever stereotype they had).
I am saying I "used to" because I have not met anyone new like that for ages. But I also plan to do it in future when I meet new people who might feel threatened.
Some people just do not appreciate the sweet geekyness that we PhDs have! ;)
I've had the "Geez! You must be smart" comments (I usually reply that I'm in grad school and can't be that smart). The best story was on a plane: I told told the guy next to me that I was majoring interviewing for grad school in science (in response to the usual, "What brings you to this plane today?"). He just looked at me, put on his headphones, and closed his eyes.
oh, memories!
When I was a single grad student the single best way of getting guys off me, was to say "I am a grad student in microbiology". Seriously.
In the US I have encountered the same answer as you "you are too smart to talk to me", not to mention the time when I played poker at the local bar and it came up that I was a PhD. "But you are good looking and that smart? Why would you be here playing poker?" I dunno? Because I thought it was fun?!
People are strange ;)
C PP- You are the PERFECT husband for saying that about Physiowife.
If you knew her, you'd know it's true!
This happened to me way more often in the UK than it does in Canada. "I'm doing a PhD in molecular biology" was a major conversation killer in the UK, whereas Canadians tend to want to discuss stem cell research or the human genome project.
telling people I'm doing a PhD always kills the conservation
CPP--Hmm...that's consistent with Massimo's hypothesis about this being a gender thing, no?
SS--That makes me worried that one reason science has taken such a beating lately in terms of policy is because people think of scientists as these smart weirdos who have no connection to "regular" people.
Massimo--You may well be right on target, but I have to say it's very sneaky of you to offer to bet me "whatever I want" when you know damn well I can't become a man and test the hypothesis. Although perhaps with a short haircut and a strategically placed sock.... :-)
DrL--I usually don't bring up the PhD either, but sometimes people ask. Actually, most of the time they ask if I'm an MD because I study viruses. By the way, I love the phrase "sweet geekiness"!
Amanda--You must be joking! That is both bizarre and incredibly rude. Which means you probably wouldn't have wanted to talk to him anyway.
Chall--Smart, good-looking and fun-loving? No, such a person (especially a woman) could not possibly exist! :-)
DrDrA--Someone as smart and accomplished as PhysioWife probably would have picked the perfect husband, right?
Cath--I'm sad to say that I almost never discuss stem cell research, animal research, evolution or anything like that with strangers in the US, even if they seem interested in what I do. These topics seem to be so unpredictably inflammatory I've decided not to take the risk.
ScientistMother--It usually doesn't kill the conversation for me, which is why I was so surprised this time. Mostly, I get a neutral reaction. One time, I ended up having a great discussion with a man whose college-aged daughter was interested in going to grad school. That was cool!
MH, I find it incredibly awkward to discuss my degree, primarily because the majority of the population finds it off-putting and I wind up feeling like a jackass. As for its effect on romance, I was "too smart" for any boyfriend in high school, and my only steady one broke up with me the day I was announced over the intercom as class valedictorian. Apparently, his friends told him it would be totally uncool to date a valedictorian.
Sigh.
Candid--Wow...that is shitty on so many levels I don't even know what to say!
"my PhD had more to do with perserverance and determination than my immeasurable genius"
I concur.
But we do need the non-PhDs to believe people with PhD's are incredibly smart so that they will believe us when we tell them about climate change, stem cell research and polluted waters.
DrDrA--Someone as smart and accomplished as PhysioWife probably would have picked the perfect husband, right?
!!!???!!!!
Jennie--Sadly, I think some people's refusal to believe what scientists say has less to do with whether they think scientists are smart, and more to do with whether they are willing to engage in rational, evidence-based thought.
DM--Um...what is it about that statement that confounds you?
Thats usually when I try to brush off their initial reaction with a bit of nerdish charm while making the statement "Meh, I'm just a really big nerd." They immediately feel sorry for you instead of feeling inferior. It's the best thing I've found to do......sigh.....
Rhea--I may try that sometime! Although I do think it's kinda sad that we have to try to put ourselves down to get people to warm up.
I just stumbled upon this and felt compelled to offer my two cents. I haven't even completed my Bachelor's degree so for me the conversation killer isn't the degree but the kids. I just mention the five wonderful spawn that I have given birth too and the conversation takes a nose dive into a silence abyss.
People do judge books by their covers and get scared off for the silliest of things. Having five children does not make me capable of random fertilization at mere conversation anymore than having a Phd makes you have the corner market share on smarts.
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